You know, I think one can learn a lot from criticism if one takes the time to consider the source and is willing to take a long hard honest look at oneself.
Recently we were fairly harshly criticized for our parenting. In essence we were told we were bad parents. In addition to that the children of the criticizers are not allowed to socialize with my children outside obligatory functions because my kids are a “bad influence.”
Let me tell you, I still have not completely recovered from hearing this. It literally took my breath away. I was so hurt and cried a good long cry.
It is true that our parenting style is different from others. We are striving to raise our children the way God is leading us. We are constantly looking for revelation into how God parents us and using that as insight into how we can parent our children.
So, my parenting philosophy (which I’ve been meaning to blog about for a while—I’ll get to it soon) was not shaken. But, my feelings were hurt. Really hurt. Was I more hurt for what was said against me or for what was said against my kids….ah, that was the question!
When I was able to step back a bit, I asked myself WHY this criticism bothered me so much. The Lord used this incident to show me that I’m still a people pleaser.
OUCH! I thought I’d worked my people pleasing out already. I thought I’d settled that issue long ago before the Lord. Alas, I have not.
I care deeply what other people think of me. I want to be acceptable in the eyes of others. If others look down on me or try to put me down, I get defensive. I want people to think that I am great, clever, talented, a good driver, pretty. I want to be the one who has it all together. It may be a façade, but I still want people to think it. Yes, I am that shallow.
All the while, I know that I am fairly average looking, with only moderate intelligence (thankfully I’ve been gifted with some common sense to compensate!). I know, though I generally don’t let it be known, that I blog when I should be cleaning my desk, I sleep late when I should be up spending time with God, I give my children cold cereal for breakfast even though it’s pretty much void of sustaining nutrition.
There ya go, folks. I’m letting my guard down. I’m being genuine. Once again I’m attempting a fatal wound to my compulsive people pleasing!
In the end, I know full well, that it doesn’t matter what you think of me. It matters only what God thinks of me. It doesn’t truly matter where I am now in my walk, what matters is which direction I’m heading and that I’m not standing still.
The speaker at church this morning, Charles Stock, said, “Our transformation is not based on how hard we work, but by how intently we behold Him.” (II Corinthians 3:18)
The Lord brought me to this verse: “Blessed are you when they….say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven…” Matthew 5:11-12
The Message says it this way: "Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.”
My goal is to live afresh for the Audience (God and the great cloud of witnesses in heaven) and not for the critics.
Take that People Pleasing!
7 comments:
Ouch! That is a deep wound someone inflicted. Praise our healing God that he heals emotional as well as physical wounds! I am right there with you as far as "people pleasing" goes - I agree the key to overcoming it is transparency!
Daja, I got so upset reading this I had to just let it go overnight. I can't tell you how I associate, *especially* since two of my children are autistic and sometimes act plain old evil despite my best training. It's embarrassing and humiliating to get "parenting advice" from people who think they are so high and mighty but have never had to deal with your reality. They need a good smack!
Unfortunately, God has not called me personally to give them one at this time LOL!
It's bad of me, but I'm imagining in 10 years when all their childrens' "friends" are into drugs and cussing, and yours are still the same rambunctious but innocent children, that they will regret what they have done in cutting off ties with you and your family.
You're right that it may be in part a pride issue on your part. I feel the same way in analyzing my situation as well. What is the worst is getting *star* from everyone all through the week in the "world" and then coming to church and getting the same *star* is just too much for me. No one understands not because the situation is not understandable, but because no one WANTS to understand. God forbid they open their minds to what life is like for other people... they would have to have a lot more compassion and tolerate a lot more inconvenience and noise in their lives LOL! They might even have several people to apologize and make amends with.
I'm praying for you Daja. Believe me I understand when almost no one thinks you are a remotely decent person. I hope it brings you closer to God; I really do. Personally, I have missed church last week because I can't stand it any more. I keep thinking of going to another church but do you know what? It will be no different there. People stink. And I hate going and being all fake week after week. I really feel like smiting somebody LOL!!
:]
Mrs. C.
Mrs. C.,
I'm so sorry for what you have to deal with from others. That breaks my heart that felt you had to stay home from church. Those that are bothered by other Christian's parenting more often than not don't need a slap, they need a deeper revelation of the Father. Pray that they receive from Him. Transformation is the key for people pleasers AND for critics. And we are transformed in His presence.
Just to clarify, those that were critical of my parenting themselves do have lovely children. They are good parents. And I have respected their family for a while--perhaps why the criticism hurt all the more. But, they are a good Christian family and I love their children.
I've believed for some time that different doesn't equal wrong. Their parenting style and mine are different, no doubt about it. But, I believe that neither is wrong. We each must do what we believe is right before the Lord.
And about church--don't give up. There are churches that are accepting for children with extra/special needs. I know that there are several autistic children in the children's ministry at our church. And the teachers are really good with them.
May the Lord lead you beside still waters, Mrs. C. May He prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies.
Peace and Blessings,
Daja
Daja,
After reading your comment, I thought I would mention that I have been feeling the same way about everyone being called to parent differently..
Before I had Sera, I thought people were causing serious emotional harm to their children if they did not co-sleep! Of course, we love our family bed, and wouldn't sleep any other way, but I have several friends who have happy, loving, emotionally stable children, and everyone is happy with their sleeping situation, even though the little ones sleep in their own rooms.
It was so humbling for me to become a parent and realize that what is right for me, might not be right for another family.
I think it is hard as Christians to think this way, because there ARE things in life that are so black and white for us (i.e Jesus being the only way) and it can be scary for us to think that there may be issues that are neutral (even doctrinal issues).
Sometimes I am convinced that a few things were left vague in the Bible so Christians would learn to get along despite our differences!!
I think we are scared to admit that something might be different for someone else, for fear that we are accepting a relativistic mentality, but we are called to live by the spirit, sometimes that means living differently than someone else. We might have different convictions, different parenting styles, different "whatever" and we are still all being obedient to what God has called us to.
On a side note, we had a "spanking debate" during a Sunday School class awhile back. I felt like I was still being obedient to the Lord, even though I tried other forms of discipline first, and spanking only as a last resort, or for something serious (like running into the street).
I still feel like the parents who believe in spanking for every offence love their children, and are doing the best they can, but what hurt, is knowing that they don't feel the same way about us.
I can totally relate about my pride being hurt.I get my feelings hurt when someone flips me off on the freeway, I can't imagine someone attacking my parenting to that degree!
God bless you as you love and guide your children in Him:)
You said what I was feeling when you said, "I still feel like the parents who believe in spanking for every offence love their children, and are doing the best they can, but what hurt, is knowing that they don't feel the same way about us."
I feel tolerant towards others methods, so why don't others feel the same towards ours?
The main issue of the post was not my parenting, though. It was my pride. I want everyone to like me and when they don't I get my feelings hurt. I, too, get hurt when someone on the freeway is unkind to me. What's this complusion to be approved of by everyone? Life is just not like that.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Daja
I'm astounded that someone who knows your kids could say such a thing.
I keep erasing what I type because I really have no sufficient words, except to say I'll pray for you and for the person who said such ridiculous things to you.
And FYI, I think you're very pretty, and pretty smart, too! :-)
Daja,
I know what it's like to be criticized for my parenting skills. I hesitate to label kids but I do have one very strong-willed child (Nate) who at times, challenges the very core of what I believe is correct child discipline and upbringing. Some days it seems that nothing works and I am left with only my faith that he is listening and things will improve.
I find that other parents of children Nate's age (5) have the attitude that we aren't doing enough in terms of discipline. Once Nate was walking with his friends and their parents and decided to see if he had enough time to cross the street even though a car was coming. The parents of his friends all yelled at him (it was a very stressful situation and Nate was totally wrong but in his little strong-willed mind he had enough time to get across, as he later told me through tears.) When we went to pick him up and heard about the incident we spanked him, as we always do. I cried and cried, which did more than any spanking ever could and he said he was sorry and that he understood that he was wrong and would never do it again. For me, this was enough. He was also punished from going to his friends' house for a while, as a precautionary measure.
But, since this happened he has been branded by his friends and several others as a "bad kid", someone they don't want to take out or taken home to play. Abi gets asked out all the time by people in church but Nate definitely feels alienated.
The parents of his friends politely "suggested" that I teach him how to cross the street (we have been doing "stop;look;listen " since he was 2, which is probably why he felt so confident about crossing even though there was a car coming). Then they "laughed" as they told me that the dad, in his momentary anger at Nate yelled that he hates bringing Nate to their house to play (this was said right in front of Nate)and one lady who was with them slapped him!
I love my son and his strong will. I have learned so much from him and continue to learn every day.
I'm crying now. They would benefit to learn from Nate, too. He stands for what he believes in. Which is more than I can say for most adults.
As a result of his strong-willed tendencies, Nate receives more discipline and correction than my other 2 children combined. Because of this some have commented that I am too strict! What I have learned from all this is that I cannot be a people pleaser and do what's right for my children at the same time. It's hard to balance it all. But my hope is in God who cares more for my children's future than anyone else who has an opinion.
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