Keep Hoping St. Francis

In light of the events of yesterday, this is my prayer.

Summer has (obviously) not been about blogging

It's been a long time since I've let so much time elapse between blog posts!  I have several undeveloped posts swirling around my right-brain.  But, the left-brain is still MIA, so nothing much has gotten accomplished.

Actually, though, July has been beautiful.  Peaceful.  Relaxing.  Lovely.

June had us swept up in so many activities we scarcely caught our breath from one exhilarating event when another was upon us!  But July swished itself gently in and we all breathed a sigh of relief.  I valiantly held the reigns on our schedule (that's my job, isn't it as manager of this tribe?) and did not commit to any meetings, field trips, park days, or classes.  It was tough, let me tell you!  But, in exchange for this hard-fought effort, we gained a month of laying on the grass, playing in the sprinkler, obsessing over homemade ice cream, grilling out, camp-outs in the tree house, sleeping in, staying up late and having something I've never before understood--those lazy days of summer.  Ahhhhhhhhh.  Refreshing.

So, here are some updates in no particular order of importance or in any sort of timeline.

~We celebrated my brother and sister-in-love's eleventh anniversary by attending their vow renewal ceremony.  They renewed their vows on the same day and at the same time as they did eleven years ago.  I considered trying to squeeze into my bridesmaid's dress, but thought better of it.  There is such a thing as dignity.  (A phrase that I will use again before this post is over.)  The day was super blessed.  I wept, of course.  It was a hard fought victory, these 11 years.  I am proud of Josh and Serena for standing when the whole world was telling them to give up.

~So, I've been absolutely obsessed with making homemade ice cream.  It all started, I think, when we watched It's Complicated.  The movie itself is pretty forgettable.  But, the food was rather inspiring.  Meryl Streep's character makes ice cream when she cannot sleep.  In the movie they eat lavender honey ice cream, the result of her insomnia.  So, a couple days later I was shopping with a friend in Silverlake and went to the Spice Station.  It's my new favorite place.  Gift ideas for Christmas, my birthday, Mother's Day, Send A Gift To Your Favorite Blogger Day include gift certificates or gift sets (they have one entirely of about nine different kinds of salt!) from there.  I promise to cook something for you.  Anyway, while we were there I bought an ounce of organic lavender.  The next day I created lavender vanilla ice cream.  Because it involved not only my children but some that I was babysitting for a friend, I used this method (but not this recipe). Kids had fun kneading it.  Normally we make our ice cream in a Donvier Chillfast which we picked up years ago (at a yard sale?  I seriously cannot remember.  It's an older version, though.).  The great thing about this ice cream maker is that it does not require salt, ice, electricity or elbow grease.  It's super easy.  I pop the ice cream in the freezer while I'm tending to lunch or dinner and every so often I give it a spin.  In the last five days I've made ice cream three times: lavender vanilla, blueberry rum, and jasmine green tea.  In fact, as I type this blog post I'm eat the jasmine green tea.  It's my favorite so far!  Tomorrow........we'll see.  I have several flavors I want to try.  I will keep you posted, most likely on the Gomboblog, which is where I usually talk about food.

(Image from here.)

~OK, so I was in the park playing with my children recently, making small talk with other parents on the playground.  More than one mom asked me if I was at the park for the free lunch.  Let me insert that I was aware of the government's school lunch program and that it goes year around.  In our previous neighborhood (we just called it the 'hood, if you know what I mean) the community center promoted the free school lunch program through the summer.  I naively assumed that was because we lived in a lower-income neighborhood.  However, we do not now live in a lower-income neighborhood.  Curious, I took the kids to the "free lunch."  The picnic area of the park was roped off and stereotypical school lunch ladies were there with food carts and hairnets.  On the rope hung signs that said "NO PARENTS ALLOWED BEHIND THIS POINT."  Well......you know me.  My inner response was something like H.E.Double-Hockey-Sticks No!  I marched on through.  Each of my children--including the baby was handed a small brown cardboard box which contained a piece of microwaved-in-its-plastic-wrap-cheese-pizza, milk (which Meg insisted "tasted funny"), a fruit roll-up and a snack-sized bag of carrots.  No signing in required.  No verification of age (anyone appearing under the age of 18 gets a lunch).  No verification of income or residency.  So, I positioned my kids at a picnic table, baby still in the stroller.  I sit down with them and start opening up the milk cartons, pizza, etc.  A lunch lady on a power trip comes over and informs me, "You are not allowed to sit down.  You can stand behind your children, but not sit with them."  My initial response was to stand up.  But, something inside me said, "What the?!"  So, I sat back down again.  The lunch ladies glared at us and circled the tables making sure that no food was sneaked into backpacks or purses and that no adults attempted to take any bites.  No food is allowed to leave the roped off area.  Anything not eaten, whether or not it was opened, has to be thrown in the trash can.  We could see with others that the lunch ladies really enforced this rule.  Strictly.  The whole atmosphere was really intimidating and unfriendly.  And the beauty of it all is that this is happening all over town at several different parks and community centers.  Theoretically, I could eat as many lunches as I could fit in about a two hour window, by going place to place.  Is it any wonder the State is bankrupt?!  Your tax dollars at work.  A couple days later I told the kids that we were going to the park.  Luc said, "Are we going to eat that free lunch again?"  Gana said, "No son.  There is such a thing as dignity."  When Luc gave him his puzzled face, Gana explained, "If you are willing to be treated badly in exchange for something just because it is free, you don't value yourself."

~My best friend and her wonderful husband just gave birth to their second baby boy!  He's beautiful and I'm so happy for them!  I wish I could be there to snuggle him in person.  As I can't the Lord will have to do it for me, through my prayers.

~My mother sent me this blog post: 50 Summery Things To Do For Your House.  It totally inspired me today.  It somehow kicked me out of autopilot and gave me such joy for making my home beautiful and scrumptious.  I had a blast today, adding little touches here and there and livening up this place.  It has sent me meditating today, as I puttered around, about what it means to be a homemaker and not just a housekeeper.  I think there is a blog post on this theme in the works.  Left-brain, come in Left-brain.  Do you think we could schedule in some blogging time for the right-brain? 

When To Use The Death Stare

After the washing machine has been broken for more than two weeks and it finally gets fixed and you spend all day washing, hanging on the line, folding and putting away to the tune of 10+ loads and your husband comes home and sees laundry in the garage and says, "I guess you didn't get around to tackling the laundry today, huh?"

That's when you use the death stare.

Being Married

Two years ago, in August my eyes were dramatically opened to the spiritual battle we wage as married people. Two years ago in November my brother was restored to us.

I was talking with my mother recently about a friend who was married and divorced by the time she was 21. I wondered how she processed that. Does she just see it as part of her childhood or ancient past? Marriage is a lifelong covenant. If one lives until they are 70 that's 50 years of being divorced. That's a long time.

I've been pondering a lot lately the whole idea of being married and its day-to-day expressions.

Last night Gana and I watched Away From Her. It's an emotional film that shows a husband faithfully loving his wife as she descends into the labyrinth that is Alzheimer's disease. In the process he has to deal with the guilt of not having always been that loving faithful husband. They were married over 40 years and being away from her, he just doesn't know how to cope.

It's a very moving film, one that had me in tears throughout. If you aren't ready for a kleenex-fest, don't rent this.

I was awakened this morning by the phone. Gana's mother called from Mongolia to let us know that his uncle, whom we visited in the countryside two years ago passed away last week. He was buried this past Friday. When we visited him he was bedridden from a stroke. His wife of more than 60 years faithfully and lovingly cared for him.

Gana's uncle and Meg

Gana's aunt and Gana's mom

Sure, marriage can be tough. There are times that it would be easier to throw in the towel and say, "Forget it!" But, hanging on through those times is worth it. The good times really do outweigh the bad.

I enjoy being married. And I'm increasingly aware that it's the little things that I enjoy the most.

A shared look.

A thousand inside jokes.

A mutual and unspoken understanding.

A hand to hold.

Expressions of love free from guilt.

A warm body on the other side of the bed.

The familiar scent lingering on his clothes.

Someone to drive when I'm falling asleep.

Protection from the judgement of others, because I know I'm accepted in my beloved.

An excuse when I want one.

A reason when I need one.

Pouring two cups of coffee in the morning and two glasses of wine at night.

Hearing his car pull in the driveway.

The motivation to be the best I can be.

Being with someone even when I am not at my best.

Sitting side-by-side at church.

Not having to finish sentences.

Two lattes, a stack of magazines, and silence.

Driving in the carpool lane of life.

Inexhaustible forgiveness.

Long term marriage takes courage.

And in my overwhelming gratefulness to God for my husband and marriage and all those little things, I feel very sad for couples who give up in those times when their spouse drives them crazy or lets them down. It certainly happens at some point in every marriage. But, the comfortable place of joy on the other side makes the rough times worth it. Married people, if you are in that rough season, take your eyes off the present suffering and focus on the glory to come.

Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Required Reading: A Promise Kept by Robertson McQuilken

(Originally posted on my other blog: Eden)

One of my favorite books of all time is a tiny little book called "A Promise Kept." In it Robertson McQuilken, who was the president of Columbia International University, tells the story of his dear wife's slow slide into Alzheimer's Disease. He writes, "Twenty summers ago, Muriel and I began our journey into the twilight. It's midnight now, at least for her. Sometimes I wonder when dawn will break. Even the dread Alzheimer's disease isn't supposed to attack so early and torment so long.

"Yet, in her silent world Muriel is so content, so lovable, I sometimes pray, "Please, Lord, could you let me keep her a little longer?" If Jesus took her home, how I would miss her gentle sweet presence. Oh yes, there are times when I get irritated, but not often. It doesn't make sense. And besides, I love to care for her. She's my precious."

His commitment to his promise to Muriel is so breathtakingly beautiful, if you read the book and don't cry, you'd better check your pulse! It stands in such stark contrast to the ideas of commitment in our post-modern world. In our world if your needs aren't being met your allowed to bail. But to McQuilken, his vows were not just words, but what he lived by.

You can read part of his story in an archived article at Christianity Today. Please go read it and allow the Lord to speak through it to you.

McQuilken writes: The decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel "in sickness and in health...till death do us part."....integrity has something to do with it. But so does fairness. She has cared for me fully and sacrificially for all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I would not be out of her debt. Duty, however, can be grim and stoic. But there is more: I love Muriel. She is a delight to me--her childlike dependence and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I don't have to care for her. I get to! It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a person....It is more than keeping promises and being fair, however. As I watch her brave descent into oblivion, Muriel is the joy of my life. Daily I discern new manifestations of the kind of person she is, the wife I always loved.

Please read the archived article here.

This makes my Required Reading list because before my children get married--or even before they go on a single date!--they must understand the difference between the world's cheap counterfeit and true love.

Fascinating Womanhood Seminar

God Give Us Women

God give us women--Women of such mold

Preferring ever honor unto gold;

Women who wear their beauty as a flower,

Whose homey virtues are their richest dower.

Say you, "The age needs men!"

I say again, "God give us women

Lest we lack true men."

Author unknown

My favorite book, aside from the Bible, is an old book called Fascinating Womanhood. The ideas in FW are out-dated (so people say) and odd (so say others) and sometimes even offensive (say generations of feminists). But, I love it. Sometimes I'm afraid to say so in front of others who may read it and think, "WHAT?!" But, I can't help it. I drink it in. I've read it over and over and over.

FW has probably saved my marriage and my happiness and my sanity more times than I can count.

The Saturday I was in Mongolia I gave a very short FW Seminar to a group of wonderful ladies. It was great fun! Then a couple days later I was interviewed on Eagle TV about the role of a woman and how to have a happy marriage! More fun!




One key principle is: You hold the key to your own happiness!

Sometimes we expect our husbands, our children, our friends or our work to make us happy. This places a tremendous burden on others. Instead, I like to think that my happiness is a gift that I offer to my husband and children (and even the world). I can unlock my happiness anytime I want, because I hold the key. No one else can give it to me nor take it from me.

Think how this would change the atmosphere in a lot of marriages. Rather than, "You are not making me happy or meeting my needs" we can say, "I love life and I welcome you to share it with me!" What man wouldn't rather be married to that?!

As a gift to my students, here I am passing out little silver keys. A constant reminder: You have the power!


"There is in this world no function more important than that of being charming,--to shed joy around, to cast light upon dark days, to be the golden thread of our destiny and the very spirit of grace and harmony. Is not this to render a serve?" --Victor Hugo

I wish they all could be California girls....

If Miss California is supposed to actually represent California, I'd say she gave a perfect answer and apparantly the majority of Californians agree with her--as evidenced by the passing of Prop 8! I'm so glad she had the courage of her convictions! It would have been an easy question to dodge.

The Purpose of Marriage, anthropologically speaking

What is the purpose of marriage? Is it a public recognition of private love? Is it a license to have sex? Is it so you can file joint taxes and share social security benefits? Is it just a contract that is preceded by an elaborate celebration with cake and champagne?



I've been pondering this lately, it light of California's Proposition 8, which I strongly support on many fronts (religious, social, constitutional, etc.). But, for someone that does not share my religious perspective, why should they vote to maintain marriage as legally defined between one man and one woman?



You can sum it up in one word: Children.



Of all the advantages of marriage, one of the biggest benefits is to children. Marriage benefits children.

Children living without two biological parents are six to 30 times more likely to suffer serious child abuse. (Patrick F. Fagan, "The Child Abuse Crisis: The Disintegration of Marriage, Family and the American Community," Heritage Foundation Backgrounder No. 1115, June 3, 1997)

The following chart (taken from: The Heritage Foundation) shows rates of child abuse when two biological parents are raising the child as compared to other forms of family. Simply put: The safest way to raise children is in a family with an intact marriage.

What about the gay couple that adopts children? Can they not provide a proper home?

It is true that sometimes the ideal family is not possible. Such cases would be an unexpected pregnancy where the father isn't around, abandonment by a selfish father sometime after birth, a marriage that ends in divorce, a marriage that ends in a parent's death, etc. In all these cases, we acknowledge the tragedy of that child being unable to be raised by both his or her parents. Yet, in the case of a gay couple adopting society triumphs it as a great good. Why? That child is still being denied a basic human right to know and be raised by both his or her biological parents.

Article 7 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child says that at birth children are entitled to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents. (Source)

There was a very interesting article in the L.A. Times written by a self-proclaimed liberal Democrat who does not favor same-sex marriage. Why? Children.

"Many seem to believe that marriage is simply a private love relationship between two people. They accept this view, in part, because Americans have increasingly emphasized and come to value the intimate, emotional side of marriage, and in part because almost all opinion leaders today, from journalists to judges, strongly embrace this position. That's certainly the idea that underpinned the California Supreme Court's legalization of same-sex marriage.

But I spent a year studying the history and anthropology of marriage, and I've come to a different conclusion.

Marriage as a human institution is constantly evolving, and many of its features vary across groups and cultures. But there is one constant. In all societies, marriage shapes the rights and obligations of parenthood. Among us humans, the scholars report, marriage is not primarily a license to have sex. Nor is it primarily a license to receive benefits or social recognition. It is primarily a license to have children.

In this sense, marriage is a gift that society bestows on its next generation. Marriage (and only marriage) unites the three core dimensions of parenthood -- biological, social and legal -- into one pro-child form: the married couple. Marriage says to a child: The man and the woman whose sexual union made you will also be there to love and raise you. Marriage says to society as a whole: For every child born, there is a recognized mother and a father, accountable to the child and to each other.

These days, because of the gay marriage debate, one can be sent to bed without supper for saying such things. But until very recently, almost no one denied this core fact about marriage. Summing up the cross-cultural evidence, the anthropologist Helen Fisher in 1992 put it simply: "People wed primarily to reproduce." The philosopher and Nobel laureate Bertrand Russell, certainly no friend of conventional sexual morality, was only repeating the obvious a few decades earlier when he concluded that "it is through children alone that sexual relations become important to society, and worthy to be taken cognizance of by a legal institution."

Marriage is society's most pro-child institution. In 2002 -- just moments before it became highly unfashionable to say so -- a team of researchers from Child Trends, a nonpartisan research center, reported that "family structure clearly matters for children, and the family structure that helps children the most is a family headed by two biological parents in a low-conflict marriage."

All our scholarly instruments seem to agree: For healthy development, what a child needs more than anything else is the mother and father who together made the child, who love the child and love each other....

For me, what we are encouraged or permitted to say, or not say, to one another about what our society owes its children is crucially important in the debate over initiatives like California's Proposition 8, which would reinstate marriage's customary man-woman form. Do you think that every child deserves his mother and father, with adoption available for those children whose natural parents cannot care for them? Do you suspect that fathers and mothers are different from one another? Do you imagine that biological ties matter to children? How many parents per child is best? Do you think that "two" is a better answer than one, three, four or whatever? If you do, be careful. In making the case for same-sex marriage, more than a few grown-ups will be quite willing to question your integrity and goodwill. Children, of course, are rarely consulted."

Read the whole article here.

For more on Prop 8, visit Daffodil Dreams here, here, and here.

A Few Careless Kisses

“How shall I speak of a few careless kisses to a generation nurtured on the assumption that nearly everybody goes to bed with everybody? Of those who flounder in the sea of permissiveness and self-indulgence, are there any who still search the sky for the beacon of purity? If I did not believe there were, I would not bother to write.” (Elisabeth Elliot in Passion and Purity)

Jon and Aimee Keulen, another couple who had their first kiss on their wedding day.

I remember when Gana and I first had feelings for each other. We had known each other only a very short time when God began to plant in our hearts and minds that this might actually lead to marriage. Yet, we never really did the typical dating thing--it just didn't work in our situation. Gana called my dad and asked if I would be willing to live in Mongolia. Before he pursued my heart, he was willing to make a commitment and wanted to know if I was willing, too.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I have always respected Gana for this. He wasn't raised in a Christian home with parents who taught him godly relationship principles. And yet, he knew that before he asked for my heart there had to be a commitment.

The privileges of romance and love should parallel increasing commitment. Commitment is the boundary that keeps romance pure and beautiful.

Yet, in our society we hesitate to make commitments until we've tasted a little fruit of that commitment. We view relationships as test-drives for marriage. And as Christians we know that some things are reserved for the marriage relationship, so we set personal boundaries for ourselves--arbitrary though they may be. The problem with this is, that humans are great redefiners. Say we set a line that we won't be together alone after dark. Next thing you know, we are arguing with ourselves whether dusk is considered dark or that it doesn't count as long as we are indoors and things are brightly lit.

The problem with setting lines is that we always go right up to it. Anyone who has children knows this. I tell Belgee, "Don't go into the kitchen." Next thing you know his toes are at the very edge of the carpet where it meets the linoleum. The trouble begins when his brother runs by, knocks him over and he falls into the kitchen. Human nature 101.

It's like thinking, "If it's a mortal sin, I don't want to do it. But, if it's a venial sin, I don't want to miss it!" But this is not the heart of God.

(The following from an interview with Scott Croft and Michael Lawrence. Complete interview here.)

ML: I make the analogy with baptism. We are united with Christ when we repent of our sins and place our faith in His death on our behalf. There is a union, a spiritual union that happens. Well there is a sign of that covenant union that visually pictures for us what was going on there: the ordinance of baptism. The same sort of thing is going on in the relationship between sex and marriage. A covenant union is created in marriage. The picture of that union and the thing that actually affects it — and without it, there is no marriage — is this physical union of sexual intercourse. Now then, I think it's important for us to ask what is sex? And is sex just intercourse? Well I would argue no. I would argue that part of our problem is we have tried to create boundaries and draw lines within a whole category of activity that we call an experience as sexual intimacy. And we think we can draw the line here or here or here and all Christians probably agree we have to at least draw the line at sexual intercourse. And then we get into trouble when we do that, right? When we draw our line we say OK we will go this far physically but no further. And then what do we do? Well we come right up to the line because that's what lines invite us to do. We come right up to the edge of that line and we fall over it. And we are surprised? We shouldn't be surprised because there really is no qualitative difference between the kind of activity on one side of the line and the kind of activity on the other side of the line. It's all sexual activity and God created it that way.

SC: And biblically all such lines are synthetic. They are artificial.

ML: That's right, they're all artificial, they're all synthetic. So I don't want to create new boundaries within that sphere of sexual activity. I actually want to move the boundary to outside of sexual activity. That's where the real boundary should be. Biblically, the boundary is between sexual activity and not sexual activity, not between the kinds of sexual activity we are going to engage in. And married couples understand this I think because married couples engage in a lot more than just sexual intercourse. They do all the things in their love making that an unmarried couple does on what they consider the safe side of the boundary. And they do all of that and they enjoy it and they call it foreplay. And they do it because it leads, in a same way that an on-ramp inevitably leads you up onto the highway, all of that foreplay, does a really great job of leading you onto the highway of sexual intercourse.

*************

I think we need to be careful not to dissect our bodies from our souls from our spirits. We are triune beings that should be approached as a whole--not just in this issue, but in all issues.

More to come....

Ruth Bell Graham On Marriage....

"I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understaning, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain."

(From It's My Turn by Ruth Bell Graham)

And just for fun....

Daja:

108 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Superior Take the test!

Gana:

122 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

What do all these couples have in common?

Amaa and Dolgor

Bob and Molly Keulen

David and Heather Knifton

Hank & Breezy Palan

Daniel & Genevieve Gillogley

Dr. Joel and Sarah-Kate Correa

Josh and Serena Abdelaziz

Gana and Daja Gombojav

Give up?

They all had their first kiss as a couple on their wedding day!

And I know many others whose pictures I wasn't able to collect. This topic was particularly on my mind lately because some Christian sex therapists were guest speakers at Fuller. A question was asked what they thought about the "saving kissing until marriage phenomenon." They, along with the professor on hand, agreed that it was "destructive for couples" and in essence would lead to sexual problems later on in their marriage. They said that saving kissing until marriage was no guarantee that one would have a great sex life and that saving that first kiss was something that couples use to hide their fear of intimacy. These conclusions come from supposedly counselling couples who have saved their kiss and later experienced difficulties in their sexual relationships.

Where to start, where to start?!

First of all, let me say unequivocally, that I do not believe that there is a Biblical command not to kiss until you are married. I am not adding any verses to the Bible nor saying that kissing before marriage is a sin. So, just wipe those arguments right off the slate.

Let's break this down using a little logic. The reasoning the professors gave was that some couples have come for counselling who had intimacy issues who had also saved their first kiss.

This is inductive reasoning at its worst!

(An inductive argument, if strong, brings a conclusion that is only probably true. For example: Greeks eat a lot of fish. Socrates was Greek. So, Socrates ate a lot of fish.)

Yes, it is true that waiting until the wedding is not a guarantee that one's sex life will be great. Just like waiting to drink until you're is 21 years old will not guarantee that you will not be an alcoholic. But, does that necessarily lead to the conclusion that there is no value in waiting?

A more logical look at it would be for those sex therapists to look at all their patients. How many were in some way sexually active before marriage and how many saved it all for the wedding? Now adjust the conclusion accordingly.

In all my years of church-life and ministry (and I've been in the Church all my life), I have never heard a testimony in which someone said, "You know, I really regret that I didn't kiss more people before I got married." Who has ever said, "I wish I would have been more sexually active."

And before anyone says, "Wait! Kissing is not sexual." let's be honest. It is. I'm not saying it is bad. I'm just saying that it is sexual. If it was not, why would it not be OK if I was kissing the man who lived next door. I think my husband might have a little problem with that. It would be called CHEATING! Why would it be cheating if it wasn't sexual?

From Catholic Answers: "I used to take for granted that everyone knew that French kissing is sexually arousing, especially for a guy. But I have met women who act surprised when they find out that a man is sexually aroused by passionate kissing (or before then). French kissing is deeply unitive, since the penetration of one person into another is part of becoming one with him or her physically. This passionate kissing tells a man’s body that it should prepare for intercourse, and when a man is aroused, generally he is not satisfied until he is relieved."

Is it possible that someone might actually regret kissing someone, even if they end up married? I ran across this very candid testimony called, "I Regret Kissing My Wife." In it the author writes, "It's hard to put a finger on it. Maybe it's because I kissed her just like I did all the others I had kissed, for mere pleasure, not knowing she would be my wife. Maybe it's the familiarity I had with her on the wedding day, which meant our first kiss as husband and wife was just that, familiar. Maybe it's because that familiarity affected my view of kissing, seeing it only as a means to an end, when it is so much more. Maybe, most of all, it is because my precious wife looks back with these same regrets too."

I have a unique perspective from a lot of people. My husband is the only man I have ever kissed. I truly can't imagine that having kissed others would make our relationship any better.

Sure, it was a choice we made that God may not call everyone to make. But, it was beautiful and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Interesting pondering today of all days. Today is the eighth year anniversary of my first kiss. It was about this time of day, eight years ago, that my dad said, "You may kiss the bride." If you could see me right now you would see a silly grin on my face as I fondly remember that moment. It was followed by some high-fives and hugs by the wedding party. What a great moment!

Happy Anniversary, Gana! I love your kisses!

Blog o' the Week

From the Making Home blog: Being Sexy For Your Husband.

PART ONE: Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?

PART TWO: Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?

PART THREE: What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages?

PART FOUR: Should there be a difference in our attitudes, countenance, and the way we carry our body in public and in private?

PART FIVE: How important is this in a Christian marriage?

Happily Incompatible

Spray from La Bufadora in Mexico. Gana snapped this picture when we were on vacation. God was showing us His love!

A sweet new friend from church asked recently how Gana and I met. After hearing the short version (long version here), she asked, “And you guys just match? You fit each other so well?”

At the time I answered, “Well, it’s not without its challenges, especially in a cross-cultural relationship. But, yes, we match.”

Then I got to thinking about it later. I don’t think I told the truth. We don’t match.

I like healthy vegetarian fare. He likes meat and if it ain’t fried, it ain’t food.

I love to try new and different foods. “Look, I found a new recipe for seaweed!” Gana would eat the same three meals on steady rotation….buuz, fried chicken, fried cabbage and sausage.

I like girly, warm fuzzy romantic comedies—basic chick-flick. He likes a movie with a healthy dose of violence, death and car chases.

I’d like to spend a vacation at a bed and breakfast by the beach. Two years ago on our anniversary he took me to a water-theme park.

I pray loudly and dramatically, castin’ out stuff, dancing like an undignified nut. He’s very contemplative and when he speaks it’s profound and carries authority without artificially asserting it.

To relax, I write in my journal or on this blog. Gana writes when it is assigned by a professor and carries a deadline.

I detest shopping. I go into the store, find what I need and get out as quickly as possible. Gana spends hours and days micro-comparing details, price and quality of every purchase.

Neither of us ever suffer buyer's remorse. Gana because he chose so perfectly. Me because I really don’t care.

I get where I’m going early, sometimes so early it’s awkward. Gana is getting in the shower at 10:40 and church starts at 11.

As for art, Gana likes Ansel Adams. I like Monet.

You can always tell who drove the van last by what comes through the stereo when you turn the car on. Bee Gees = Gana. AM Talk Radio = Daja.


I'm an unschooler, heavy on learning through experiences. He's more of a classic educator, heavy on learning through academics.

I’ve been the goodie-goodie most of my life. He’s been the wild child.

I think that Gana and I are what Billy and Ruth Graham called “happily incompatible.” Can such opposites co-exist and even enjoy life together? YES! And sometimes such opposites can irritate the living daylights out of each other and they start quarrelling over the variety of apples purchased at the Farmer’s Market.

Billy Graham said:
Ruth and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one. In a perfect marriage, everything is always the finest and best imaginable; like a Greek statue, the proportions are exact and the finish is unblemished. Who knows any human beings like that? For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. We learned that even before we married. The unblemished ideal exists only in “happily ever after” fairy tales. I think that there is some merit to a description I once read of a married couple as “happily incompatible.” Ruth likes to say, “If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.” The sooner we accept that as a fact of life, the better we will be able to adjust to each other and enjoy togetherness.

And I think I’m finally--finally--after 7 years of matrimony learning that this is OK. I’m an emotional one and when we have a spat the enemy of marriage--the devil--tries to lie to me: “He doesn’t love you anymore!” I know it’s a lie. He does love me. He just wanted Red Delicious and not Fuji. Message received.

I’m finally learning to not try to remake the man I married and to let him be who he is. I’m learning that marriage isn’t really a fifties sitcom (although, wouldn’t it be great to vacuum in heels and pearls?). Marriage is vastly more interesting than that, especially when married to someone who is different from me. It’s challenging and exciting and crazy and romantic and surprising....and so....DAILY.

Marriage means having someone to run to when I need a good cry. It means having someone to run my hair-brained ideas by before I expose them to the world. It means someone who makes fun of me and someone I can make fun of. Marriage means I have a man whose vision I have pledged to support. I am a help-meet to someone who needs my help—just maybe not in the way I thought he did. Marriage means someone who begins and ends each day with me—someone who is a living witness to my life and my journey with God.

Gana is my secret keeper. And I am his.

Sometimes two opposites are perfect for each other. They are counter-balances. Gana and I are two extremes. Together we make a happy moderate.

A Stander's Affirmation

I hate the devil. He has lied to so many people and torn down so many marriages. The more I see it, the madder I am at the devil.

Here's something a friend is claiming for her marriage. Claim it with us for Christian marriages everwhere. Don't let the devil win!

A Standers Affirmation

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness. I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

- Author Unknown
Courtesy of
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.
http://rejoiceministries.org/

Happy 34th Anniversary Dad and Mom!

Thanks for being faithful examples!

Thanks for showing us how to love one another, how to fight and forgive, how to throw a party, how to put one another first, how to be romantic, how to pray, how to preach, how to show hospitality, how to give, how to tithe, how to surprise one another with the house redecorated, how to search for lost things like pea coats and receipts, how to speak in Tut, how to buy clothes for each other that your spouse would never buy for him/herself, how to divide chores, how to bring home strangers, how to use a weight bench for a clothes hanger and a counter as a filing cabinet, how to email one another from computers in the same room, how to be spontaneous, how to take a great road trip, how to show grace, how to obey the law, how to make a delicious mess in kitchen, how to waste a whole day having fun, how to deal with naughty children, how to be friends with your spouse, how to be friends with your children, how to home birth and homeschool, how to have convictions, how to debate convictions, how to be convicted and how to change, how to take Sunday afternoon naps, how to let the other choose the restaurant on Sunday afternoon, how to pretend to enjoy the other's choice in restaurant, how to budget, how to sing "In The Garden", how to take a joke, how to tease one another mercilessly, how to call one another on the cell phone every ten minutes, how to be on the same team.

Wedding Season

Wedding season has been in full swing!

In May I was able to serve as the Matron of Honor for my best friend Mary Beth as she gave up Richardson for Loewen. It was a beautiful day on the Atascadero Lake. Mary Beth was lovely and it was so moving to be able to witness what God had joined together.

Israel served as the Ring Bearer, a task he took very seriously for his "Auntie Mary."

One of her wedding songs is a long time favorite of mine called "Perfect Timing." It's a worship song and was truly perfect for this day! One verse says, "We may wait. But, You're never late. And we won't worry, 'cause everyone knows that...You have perfect timing. You have perfect timing, everyone knows that You have perfect timing."

Mary Beth and her husband are now serving the Lord at their church in Canada. I miss her terribly! Currently accepting frequent flyer miles.

In June another dear friend, Jenn Zaehring, wed Bryan Johnson. The Lord was so gracious in His provision! We were able to go to Tacoma to witness the happy event! I was a bridesmaid and even Gana got to participate in the service by reading a Scripture. It was an exciting and fun weekend. We had such a good time getting to know Bryan and visiting with Jenn's parents who have been wonderful friends of our ministry.

Jenn told her wedding party ahead of time that her and Bryan's values were Simplicity and Community. That could be seen and felt in so many ways at the wedding and during those fun preparation days leading up to it. Jenn's wedding weekend was full of fun and friends and laughter and happy memories. I don't know from the bride or groom's point of view, but from my perspective it was one of the most stress-free weddings I've ever been a part of!

Jenn and Bryan are serving the Lord at their church in Tacoma and through InterVarsity. I miss her terribly, too.

Newlyweds, our home is always open for you! Please bless us by coming to visit anytime! I've known you both as single girls, now it will be fun to know one another as married women!

I feel so very blessed to have so many fantastic women in my life. My life is made truly richer by your friendship.

True Love

We watched a movie recently and a line was, "Why do two people get married anyway? How can you promise to feel the same way forever?"

I agree with the girl who said this. You can't promise to feel a certain way forever. Feelings are very fickle and do not always behave very rationally.

But, what this girl failed to realize is that love is not a feeling and marriage is not a promise to feel anything.

Love is the unconditional commitment to act in a loving manner. This is love between a man and his wife, a mother and her children, neighbors, and the lost. If we say we love someone it means that we commit to behave in a loving way--even when we don't feel like it!

When those that I'm close to try my patience and I feel like throwing in the towel, I will remember, "Love suffers long..."

When that person cuts in front of me at the grocery store and I'm tempted to burn them with my laser stare, I will remember, "Love is kind...."

When my girlfriend's husband brings her flowers and whisks her off on romantic weekends or buys her a new dishwasher, I will remember, "Love does not envy..."

When my husband brings me flowers and whisks me off to a romantic weekend or buys me a new dishwasher, I will remember, "Love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up..."

When I'm tempted to give my husband a cold shoulder or tell him to take a cold shower, I will remember, "Love does not behave rudely..."

When I'm tempted to spend the grocery money on a new pair of shoes, I will remember, "Love does not seek its own...."

When the children start the day whining and it only gets worse from there, I will remember, "Love is not provoked..."

When my mind wants to play all the what if's, I will remember, "Love thinks no evil...."

When I'm flipping channels and tempted to linger a little at that interesting daytime drama, I will remember, "Love does not rejoice in iniquity..."

When the enemy tells me that I'm not in love anymore or that my husband isn't in love with me anymore I will tell the enemy to hush because, "Love rejoices in the truth..."

When life throws me all sorts of curves and my rose colored glasses get fogged up with my tears I will remember, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

When I don't know what to do next or what choice to make. I will take necessary risks because, "Love never fails."

Marriage, parenting, Christianity--or any other worthwhile commitment in this life--is not based on feelings. It's a commitment that even when I don't feel like loving you, when you are not being loveable, when I'm tired, when I'm hurt, I will behave in a loving way. That's Christian love.

Too bad the mother of the girl in the movie didn't explain that to her. Instead she said, "Yeah, sometimes things change."

Stereotypes

I didn’t see it, but saw the commercial, for a new game show called “Identity.” The idea is that you see a bunch of people and then a list of possible identities and have to match the correct person to the correct identity. Who is the organ donor? Who is the crocodile wrestler? The teacher? The Nobel Prize winner? The tractor mechanic?

As a married woman with five children, there isn’t a lot of mystery left to me—at least on the surface. But, I think it’s really important that wives maintain some mystery, keep some tricks up their sleeves, and surprise their husbands once in a while. One thing I never want to be is a stereotype.

I am a homeschooling mom who does not own a single denim jumper. (If you ever see me in one, you have my permission to throw a can of paint on me like those animal rights activists do to fur-wearing old ladies.)

I am a natural childbirth advocate, certified childbirth educator and doula who scandalized colleagues in the birth world when they realized that the reason I wasn’t home eight days post-partum when they called was because we were having our son circumcised.

I’m a Pentecostal pastor’s wife who does not have big hair. (But, maybe not from lack of trying. My hair is decidingly hippy, despite my best efforts.)

I’m a pastor’s kid who never got in trouble. (I didn't say never got caught.)

I’m a health food/whole food nut who loves ice cream.

I’m a wannabe vegetarian who can’t resist all-beef hotdogs with sauerkraut.

I’m an attachment parent--a co-sleeping, baby wearing, extended breastfeeding, and cloth diaper fanatic--who still believes that spanking is a good idea sometimes.

One thing I hope never to be is a stereotype. I don’t want all my ideas coming from the same place. I don’t want to give up all my mystery. I don’t want to ever bore my husband and I do hope to embarrass my children quite often as they grow older. I hope I’m a sixty year old who decides to learn how to surf, or who wakes up at the crack of dawn to pass out tracts to people doing Tai Chi on the beach. I always want to be learning a little more about myself and who God created me to be. I don’t ever want to get to the place where I think I’ve got myself all figured out. Sure, I want to be accepting of myself (and I think I am) but I also don’t want to settle.

To become a stereotype, to me, would mean allowing boundaries on my life that God didn’t put there. It would mean being molded, but not necessarily by the hand of God.

See, I believe that God has created His creatures far more complex than can be figured out in the 70 years we have on earth, and certainly not in the 28 that I’ve been around.

I think if I can remain a mystery to myself, I can keep some mystery in my marriage too. And I can make my husband laugh when he finds me in the bathtub with all my clothes on, with the kids, pretending that we are the children of Israel and I’m Moses parting the Red Sea. (Laugh if you want, but the kids sure liked it!)

The only one I am not a mystery to is God, who made me, knows me and loves me. Somehow Christians got the idea along the way that the “more Christ-like we become the less like ourselves we will be.” And I just think that is a distortion of the Truth, that the world and the enemy would like us to believe.

In The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, a book of letters written from an uncle demon to his nephew demon on how to keep a man from becoming a following of Christ (The “Enemy” referenced, therefore, is Jesus.) has this interesting passage:

“Of course I know that the Enemy also wants to detach men from themselves, but in a different way. Remember always that He really likes the little vermin, and sets an absurd value on the distinctness of every one of them. When He talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts (I am most afraid, sincerely) that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever. Hence, while He is delighted to see them sacrificing even their innocent wills to His, He hates to see them drifting away from their own nature for any other reason.”

The real challenge in this world is not to conform and to be a success according to the world. Because, success according to God means something completely different. It’s more important for me to be a success as a human being than a success as a homeschooling mom, a childbirth advocate, a pastor’s wife, a vegetarian, or an attachment parent.

“Everybody has a vocation to some form of life work. But, behind that and deeper than that, everybody has a vocation to be a person, to be fully and deeply a human being, to be Christ-like. And the second thing is more important than the first. It is more important to be a great person than a great teacher, butcher, or candlestick maker. And if the only chance of succeeding in the second is to fail in the first, the failure, from God’s point of view, is fruitful.” (Brennan Manning)

The Interesting Lives of Women

A friend emailed me a great quote the other day.

"It seems, for whatever reason, that every time you create a princess, you create a start to a good story. I guess it's because, not to put too fine a point on it, women's lives are more interesting than men's. Oh sure, if you review historic events, you'll find that men have, more often than not, played key roles. But day in and day out, women have been where it's happening. They've been giving birth and nursing the dying and debating the symbolism of name changes at weddings. Men, meanwhile, have been collecting paychecks and dabbling in office politics. Ho. Hum. That is a gross stereotype, but I'm sure you see my point."

Beverly Bartlett, Princess Izzy and the E Street Shuffle

Isn’t that fantastic?! I think it’s true. I get to spend my days with my hilarious children, doing fun projects, experimenting in the kitchen, visiting people, helping women give birth and lots of great stuff. My husband eats the same thing for breakfast and lunch almost everyday. Goes to the work site and does pretty much what he did yesterday. If it wasn’t for his passion for Jesus and sharing the Gospel with everyone he meets, his life would be dull indeed! (Especially during the in-between time we find ourselves not in full-time ministry.)

When he asks, “What did you do today?” he is not making the assumption that I haven’t done anything all day, but just finds my life interesting and so wants to know all that went on. Knowing this, I’ve decided to be a little nicer to him and less defensive to the “What did you do today” question. If he’s a little cross after a long day or week, it’s no wonder! He’s probably bored to pieces! So, perhaps I can be more engaging and a little more interesting in my conversation when he is home. Coming home just might be the most exciting part of his day!

This reminds me of another quote, this one from Fascinating Womanhood: “Let him make the living, and you make life worth living.” (Helen Andelin)

Mrs. Gombojav