The Swim Suit Fiasco

So, I recently had to buy a new bathing suit. I guess I didn’t HAVE TO, only I’ve been using the same one since my honeymoon SIX YEARS ago. I thought I was due for a new suit.

Now, I’ve learned there are two concepts in swim suits. The first is to simply cover up all one’s rolls and jiggles. The other is to reveal all one’s rolls and jiggles. Neither option is particularly appealing, because neither takes away the rolls and jiggles. The rolls still roll and the jiggles still jiggle even if covered in metallic purple or tied up with Hawaiian floral. The main difference is how much skin you want to sunscreen.

My first mistake was shopping for a swimming suit in August. This is the end of the season and my choices were limited to a rack in the back of the clearance section with about a foot of leftover suits that no one else wanted. Hmmm…..shall I go with the crocheted flower-child thing complete with beads and feathers or the thing with a bunch of strings that look as if they need to be very strategically placed in order to be of any use.

So, from store to store I went, trying on one depressing suit after another. My five year old daughter went with me and gave me her commentary each time. When she says, “I don’t think that works, Mommy. Let’s try a different one.” I tend to believe her. After all, if she can figure that out, so can every other beach go-er I come across.

I finally settled on a two piece tankini type whose print reminds me of a shower curtain. It is, of course, of the cover-up-all-the-rolls-and-jiggles variety. The bottom is a little skort, which while designed to look young, like a cute little tennis skirt, it is fooling no one.

I had my first chance to wear the suit this past weekend. For our sixth anniversary we decided to go to a water-theme park. Yes, we did, believe it or not.

In the sea of skin and skin covered by shower-curtain suits, I’ve come to some very important conclusions, so listen carefully:

There are only about six people in the world (men or women) that look good in their swim suits. The other 5,999,999,994 people in the world look like they are trying cover up their rolls or mindlessly letting them all hang out.

And as so few people actually look decent in a swim suit (and those that do have already posed for Sports Illustrated--if they didn't ask you you're not one of the six) it’s not worth worrying over how I look in it. Hey, I just blend into the sea of suits and skin. No one will give me a second glance for how great I look, but neither will they gawk at how bad I look either.

So, tie on that sarong, don that big ol’ sunhat and hit the beach while the weather is still nice! Because goose bumps on those rolls will not help at all.